glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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