Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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