I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
