You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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