sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
