All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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