It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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