I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
