Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
