Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
