DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
