$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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