I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
