I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If I die, sorry about rent.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
