the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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