dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
