jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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