I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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