You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Randomize