You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize