I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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