I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
