There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Dignity is for republicans.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
