I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
