life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
