yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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