I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Randomize
