please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
