Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
