Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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