Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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