You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
