you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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