This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
