I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
