wakey wakey hands off snakey
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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