Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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