If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
