i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
