Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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