so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
