He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
