my phone needs a breathalizer
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
