Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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