YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
whose ass print is on the piano?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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