Jerry, you need to find god
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
So many bounce houses so little time
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
