Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Less talking, more tequila
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
