Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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