Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
