i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
