remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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