i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
