I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Randomize
