normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
