Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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