I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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