I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Pooping to opera.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
