he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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