were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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